A is for ... ability
Crucial in terms of coping. What are your abilities? You have:

1. physical
2. mental
3. and emotional

abilities. In each area you should be able to identify your own strengths and weaknesses, and possibly those of your carers?

... aggression Not what you might expect, in terms of coping, but another word for 'cope' is 'respond'. We all need to remember that people respond to situations in their own unique way, usually in ways we can predict. But, if they cannot cope - finding themselves backed into a corner they may lash out, responding in unexpected, irrational ways. Remember too that prolonged verbal aggression can be as bad as a one-off physical incident.
... Alarm	In addition to emergency / call systems in flats/sheltered housing there are personal alarms that councils, welfare agencies can provide for a weekly charge. These can help provide insurance increasing confidence all around
You need to attend to many things at a time like this. Try to ensure you remain focused as when moving even the little things matter. When things happen suddenly, the currents of life carry us along, we may not realise what we are doing. Things are disposed of before they should be, possessions given away in a blur of events and emotions. Attention to minor things now, can be worthwhile. Although it may be very hard, try to be focused, do take an interest. If alternately you are operating through a fog, get someone to review things with you, as soon as you reasonably can. They can hardly complain that you're interfering? It is your move, your life; even if it affects theirs!		... attention!

... ASSERTIVE Some times you have to be. (Not to be confused with stubbornness, obstinacy, cussedness...) 'Door mats' may have an easy time, but they soon get worn when used a lot.

... advocate Can you speak up for your interests - if not you may need an advocate. There should be a service near to you. Independent advice - not (just) family and friends can prove a revelation.

... advice

If you need advice make sure you go to the right place. A counsellor may not (should not?) give you this.

B is for ... backdoor

We have backdoors, rear entrances to provide ease of access, and an emergency exit.

What will your back door be, if things don't work out?

Or have you travelled through life so far without leaving a backdoor - always burning your bridges?

... belonging

Feeling that we belong, have associations, relationships with other people and places helps us deal and cope with the world.

If you feel you have a sense of belonging, be that family, home,community - ideally all three - then as they say "the future's bright .." If you have all three prior to moving, how easy will it be to find ALL three in your new situation?

What can you do now to improve, make the transition easier for you? Places change even if you lived there for twenty years, thirty years ago. It's difficult to replace a sense of community based on happy memories in one place, with another where the community is out of reach - due to mobility problems or other factors. What services can you rely on, to overcome such difficulties now or in the future?

... belief

In yourself and others - including those no longer with us.

C is for ... CAR

Everyone recognizes how we depend upon the car.

Social and economic mobility follows the rise of the car. Admittedly public transport provides social mobility (1 bus = 50 car journeys), but the convenience is missing, unless things change by way of (UK) Governmental policy.

Our dependence hits hard when they breakdown, or when the driver is no longer able (or safe) to drive.

Running a car is critical to people's coping with everyday life, especially for older people. When physical mobility is reduced shopping can prove impossible.

Key 'car' points as you consider a move include:

• your ability to drive - are you still competent to drive;
• who did the driving before;
• the financial costs of running a car;
• security;
• distances - no problem locally; but 30-50 miles is a problem;
• if you can drive do you need to move;
• how long do you (reasonably) expect to drive for?

It is not unknown of course for people to start to drive in their 60s, having been dependent on their partner for most of their lives. While at the other extreme GPs (family doctors) have a very difficult task:

• knowing someone is unfit to drive;
• persuading that individual they are medically unfit;

They must often depend on family (or the police!) to inform them, as people cling to their ability to drive even when it has left them. Don't be caught out - as no doubt many will be as the proportion of elderly drivers grows. This is becoming a major problem. Use the car to cope, but don't become an accident statistic - which can so often involve others, with potentially fatal consequences.

... care package

If someone needs care in the community an assessment is done to determine their needs and then the appropriate services are organised to help support people in their home.

Don't ignore this possibility.

People can be cared for with quite severe physical and mental health problems. If you care for someone you are also entitled to assessment in your own right.

... communication

As ever in things social, whether -

within the family;

across the garden fence;

or between nation states EFFECTIVE communication counts.

... confidence & ... COURAGE

If you have prepared then confidence follows. Emigration? Now that takes a whole lot of courage - in more ways than one!

Family in Northern and Southern hemispheres? Family in Europe and the Americas?

Why emigrate or move, if(that's a big if I know) you can have "the best of both worlds?"

(As someone once cited to me - having arrived in the States to stay with family, for a holiday.)

Sometimes you have to say -
"Look enough already!
I'm hear for four months, I've grandchildren here, but I've grandchildren back 'home' too.
Please don't pressure me, it's lovely to see you, I love you all, please let's just enjoy the time we have."
Like I said it takes courage, tact, diplomacy....

... contingencies

Having a contigency plan has the added bonus of boosting confidence.

If you make a move whilst in shock, you probably won't think of this.

... counselling

Don't expect the counsellor to give you 'good counsel'.
They can help you frame your problem and how you feel you are best suited to solve it.

The decision is yours!

D is for... denial

We all use denial at various stages of our lives, even every day if we scrutinize our motivations and actions.

It is when people rely on it alone, or any other 'defence' mechanism (coping strategy) to relieve their anxiety that future problems are laid.

... dependency

Life has its ironies.... When a partner dies, we find out so much about ourselves and the role and relationship we have had with that other person. Usually what we took for granted. Who sorted the finances; shopping; tax; bills; car insurance and many other things. Learning to take on 'new' things like this can be a useful coping strategy, in turn helping to come to terms with a new routine, way of life.

... d r e a m s

The place where broken rhythms are reconstituted. (Henri Lefebvre)

E is for ... energy

Just because you're "getting on" doesn't mean your running on empty.

Even if the cogs turn more slowly with a sense of purpose lots can still be done.

... EMPATHY

Whose shoes have you tried to 'stand' in - your mother's, father's, son's, daughter's, or even a grandchild's perhaps?

What do they see? What do they feel?

The same as you? Being you is a full-time occupation, but trying to 'feel' and 'see' for someone else is at best a part-time pursuit. Never easy, part of what it is to be human. Don't let relationships, duty, obligation, what ought to be done trip you up. Listening is better than rejecting, denying or trivialising the fears, opinions of others.

Try to empathize with your family and friends, why are they concerned?

What has happened recently? Would I feel the same way?

F is for ... fatalism

If you are fatalistic, stoical, are you simply going with the flow, giving in to the inevitable?

Are you really that 'disabled' you are unable to say what you want.

... faith

If you have a faith, something that you believe in - you may find guidance there?

G is for

... grief

Our culture grants little time to deal with grief, before life must return to the daily routine, albeit a new one. At work it's 2-3 days, although grief (even though the process has only just begun) often demands that people take longer. Very often it is bereavement that precipitates the knee jerk reaction of a house move. Sometimes to the detriment of all those involved. If nobody is in immediate danger allow some time for emotions to settle a little. Many people think this can be a full year, as dealing with loss means missing them through the four seasons with their birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, and other significant events and dates. As to moving some partners talk this through, which can help those left enormously to cope and decide what to do.

... guidance

If you need it then seek it from whatever source

citizen's advice; social services organisations; welfare rights; housing; pastoral;

the voluntary sector - Help The Aged;

special groups such as Parkinson's Disease and Alzheimer's Disease Societies to name just a few.

H is for ... housing

It is amazing (at least I think so?) how many people initiate moving a loved one without considering some very basic options.

That is with:

• Their relative - their wishes, etc...
  
• Or housing agencies and associations.

Admittedly they are not obliged to, and if everyone did so tomorrow - chaos might just ensue.
But it really is worth checking out the options.

... hyperactivity

Sometimes to cope people throw themselves (and others as a consequence) into an episode of hyperactivity that can last days. Energy that proved so elusive before, now seems on free flow - and with no sign of let up.

Hyperactivity is an oft used coping strategy, one that younger people take for granted. It often helps burn up 'psychic' mental energy. But can be a sign of denial, "everything seemed great, he was doing all sorts to help with the move, but now!?"

Usually there is a price that goes with this and it's usually exhaustion - physical, emotional and social. Take care.

I is for ... incontinence

When people make assumptions they usally look for evidence to back those assumptions up. If your continence is a problem don't be persuaded (bullied even) into giving up your independence because of that.

Most services have dedicated (that is what they do) continence advisors, or staff who include this role in their other work.

You can get advice, support - incontinence is not a problem just restricted to 'old uns'.

... independence

From birth to the age of sixteen years (or thereabouts) being lovingly prepared for it, yearning for it, and maybe fighting for it, YOUR independence isn't something to give up lightly.

Most health and social service agencies recognise this fact.

You and your family may be surprised that rather than encourage you to give up your home, they may be able to help you (and your family if needed) to look at ways to stay in your home!

... insurance

Just in case.... check the extent of your cover..

J is for

JUSTICE

Everyone deserves a second chance? Don't they?

Even after a fall - and a spell in hospital?

K is for ... kindred ...

... spirit? Very precious if you have one, could be a friend, but not always.

It could be an author who strikes a cord, via their thoughts, reflections on life, opinions and actions, common interests, outlook, and companionship. Essentially someone who relates well to you and usually vice-versa. So who is yours? If you haven't got one - perhaps you will find one soon. When senior family members are faced with change it is a 'kindred spirit', 'friend', 'boundary spanner', call them what you will - that can make all the difference in getting them to accept day care, respite care and other help. Sometimes just accepting change.

If carers know that such services are available then caring can continue. Kindred spirits I suppose help define, and find space, both physically - like a breathe of fresh air, and emotionally - you're not alone.

L is for ... laughter

It really is the best therapy - scientifically proven .... Did you hear the one about - ....... Try these Jokes.com
amused.com

... Limits

Independence is one thing, but recognising your own limits especially when they are changing more quickly cannot be easy. Do you know your limits? How far you can walk? How long could you manage "without seeing a soul?" What about bathing? This item links with ability, since if you don't know one, you probably have a poor idea of the other?

M is for...MUSIC

Music is a great restorative and popular leisure activity - take it easy on the country music though.

... m e m o r i e s & memory

Can talking about them help? The bad ones? You could try boxing them up, but leaving them behind. The good ones - I hope you can take them with you.

As for 'memory' there are practical things that can done, to help people and their carers cope better with memory problems. In terms of coping staying put is the only option for elderly people (and very tragically - much younger individuals) suffering with dementia. They only cope due to being in a familiar, for them stable environment. Take them away from that and "mild confusion" can become much worse. What is the use of their being closer to you if you have to visit 3-4 times more frequently, and for 2-3 times longer than before?

N is for... nice (but naughty)

Treat yourself (occasionally! - no excuse - for binging; drinking to excess) you deserve it.

... Neglect

Don't be surprised when those things you decided to ignore come back and hit you.

RESPONSIBILITY and BLAME are not included here.

... normality

Is there such a thing? Can you agree with family/friends on what is 'normal' for you? If you can this might help. First though - agree on just how much detail - your bowels!?

O is for ... openess

There comes a time to speak your mind - GO FOR IT!

... opportunity

Sometimes you have to be ready to grab a chance.

It's these gambles put the lotteries in their place.

Needed in large doses - on both sides, all quarters.

+++ ... positive +++

It may be cliche to "think positive" but it helps keep depression at bay and boosts the immune system.

... PETS

Pets. One thing they never fail to do - is amaze in terms of their meaning to people. They often keep people going, people who are confused to the extent they don't know their way home but the dog does.

The sheer love and companionship they provide is universally recognized.

At the other end of scale - well..... they can prevent people going to day care, people making a move.

How many weddings does aunty Flo miss half of - because, they have to get back home for Tess (the pooch)?

P.S. Any vets out there will observe that this animal is very well trained (eg walking), and no cruelty was involved.

... p l a n

Yes you've got to have a dream but - a plan may help too!

Q is for ... Quiet! (please)

Find some time and take it easy, pick up that book, or maybe - draw the curtains, go the whole hog ladies and put the leotard on, not you chaps - oh well suit yourself Fred, then put the relaxation tape on and enjoy - don't forget to cover up the budgie.

... questions

That have no answers? We encourage 7 year olds to ask them, why not 70 year olds? If you don't know - ask! Before you go to see someone (or they come to see you) a Dr, counsellor, whoever, make a list of questions that you want to ask them. At the time people often forget. As long as you're not waving a list like a family of five's monthly shop receipt at them they should understand.

R is for ... reminiscing

Your memories of the past can be an enormous comfort. But as the present may seem to hold less meaning for you, do keep a handle on what is going on around you. This ability is an enormous gift don't waste it living entirely in the past.

... regression

"Grow up!" If someone suggests you stop acting like a 'child', or you find yourself saying this, then perhaps somebody is reverting to child-like behaviour that proved successful in the past - in terms of meeting a need.

It doesn't look good in an adult though.

... respite

Regular respite from a caring role can make the difference between moving and not moving. Would you qualify? How much would be available? Would Mary, (Fred) actually agree to go?

... rationalisation

Not to worry this can be quite healthy. You never did like the view from the kitchen window did you?

The holiday/festival get togethers were starting to fall apart anyway?

S is for... Space

You know this is valuable when you start to feel like throwing someone out by their frontier -
OK, OK no more like that! Seriously - we all need space for ourselves.

... silence

If you have space, quiet - do you automatically have silence?
Silence to think in, reflect, remember, regret, enjoy, worry.
Which do you do most of - when there is a silence?
Do you fill the silence with the TV, radio, Internet?

... S U N S H I N E

Really does help make you smile.

... support

Don't be too proud to make use of any support that is available.RESOURCES

T is for ... telephone

It really is good to talk.

U is for ... U n B u R d E n E d

Although friends are usually those to whom you may 'unburden' yourself that's not the done thing for everyone. Finding someone you can trust and share your deepest fears with can mean that you realize you are not alone.

V is for... visualization

Trying to project or imagine yourself somewhere else in the future is not easy, and if your imaginings do differ from the final reality I hope the differences are for the better.

Some people have a more active imagination, they picture things quite readily.

Sharing a vision is more difficult, especially when rose tinted glasses are involved.

At the end of the day many choices come down to, intuition, gut instinct, a feeling, call it what you will.

If at all possible don't rely on these alone - check things out.

W is for ... withdrawal

This is a legitimate response when faced with a difficult choice, but for the longer term of limited value.

... www

People get help on the internet with a variety of problems. Make sure any advice, guidance is from a reputable source.

Otherwise, it's easy to weave a web of support.

X is for ... eXciting

Nothing like change to pep you up.

Y is for ... Yesterdays

Yes, after 24 hours of age we have all had them, they are part of you, some you will want to cherish, some forget, but whichever emotion they stir - a smile, a tear remember it's your life.

Z is for ... zoo

This may seem contrived, but people have stated that given a crisis, they feel that their lives have suddenly become a zoological exhibit.

The whole family peering in, stiring things up, people suggesting things when they -

"n'er seen sight nor sound of them for 12 years!"

Patience soon becomes frayed. Another turn of phrase springs to mind - "nip it in the bud" - but don't close the door on everyone.

They NEED to ensure you are aok. Besides, you could always charge an entrance fee.