THOUGHTS - Beware Reflex Moves

"Life's about changes, nothing ever stays the same."

Patty Loveless

People often say after making a move they regret that they cannot understand how they came to move in the first place.

"It all seems a blur now."

They can't seem to remember how it all came about. Now they find that important possessions - items that are very personal, items with memories attached have been given away, or got rid of. How can such things happen?

There is no single answer to this question, but it is important that family try to stay objective, which is difficult to say the least. They need to be objective (but not un-sympathetic) so as NOT to get drawn into a chain of thought - it's a bit of black hole - in that it draws everyone nearby into it, and once inside decisions are made without the light of reason.

Critically, people don't realize how closely thoughts, feelings, emotions, and behaviours are connected. It might run like this -

SITUATION Loss of spouse/partner. Funeral, sense of profound loss, shock, isolation.

	THOUGHT 'I can't cope now on my own.'

FEELING Fear, insecurity, anxiety, foreboding.

	BEHAVIOUR Phone the family - "being a problem" - panic - seeking reassurance. Suffering grief. Shock.

THOUGHT I am a burden to the family. I cannot cope here.

	BEHAVIOUR Start problem solving - moving home suggested.

FEELINGS Actually feel better (but somewhat 'detached')- forced to start 'work' on new home, finding, planning, etc...

	THOUGHT(s) If I feel better then this must be a good decision. If every one thinks this a good idea, then it must be.

That detached state of mind mentioned above can be the cause of the

It may be a sign of shock, and the family also become a victim as the welfare of the remaining parent, or even friend becomes essential.

GIVING PERSONAL BELONGINGS AWAY MAY BE A SIGN OF SHOCK?

IT IS EASY TO DO
BUT THINGS MUST NOT BE TAKEN FOR GRANTED - THERE ARE TIMES IN ALL OUR LIVES WHEN WE DO NOT SEE OR THINK ABOUT OURSELVES, THE WORLD AND THE FUTURE THE SAME WAY OTHERS DO.

In times of trauma we displace bad feelings, and that can happen here. People throw themselves into work (once initiated - the house move becomes the work) which gives some respite to act as a diversion from the grief. But grief should not be run away from, it should be experienced - with support - it is normal, and is a necessary part of coming to terms with the world in a
NEW SITUATION.

A sudden move may postpone a grief reaction until 'settled' in the new abode. Settled to the extent that guilt then sets in as after a lot of hard work the person (and family) think what have I got to be depressed about - a new home, security, a loving family who have helped me so much.

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